Let’s say you clicked with a guy you met on ello.ie and you two love birds are sitting across from one another in a posh restaurant.
You are having the time of your life while feeling closer than ever.
There’s a comfortable break in the chat and you idly glance around the room, sipping your Mojito.
When you turn back around, you catch him in the act, checking out another woman.
A pretty woman, caressed by a chic summer-dress, laughing in the golden evening light.
“You hate her.”
“You hate him.”
Your stony glare brings him back to consciousness.
He sheepishly resumes talking to you.
The evening never regains its former warmth.
You’ve been there before with all your ex’s.
The fact is that all men look at women.
Let’s start by explaining first what’s going on here (and you might not like it).
Make no mistakes, we are not justifying disrespectful behaviour.
This post is more about your average unreconstructed guy, and less about sexist dirt-bag who should rather be in counselling.
So what are men thinking?
A whole lot of nothing!
Most likely they’re not thinking at all.
The first glance is an uncontrollable reflex, happening at some level below the neck.
As the gaze lingers, a man will slowly return to social awareness, and at that point he can choose to look away or else choose to swivel his head and follow her across the room.
Ladies this isn’t about you and he is almost certainly not comparing.
The woman you think he is admiring is in a separate compartment of his mind all together.
She’s an object, a thing of beauty/horror/novelty whatever you want to call it.
Possibly attractive (don’t get jealous), but not exactly real.
Like appreciating a Ferrari without any desire to own one.
Nevertheless its not always the case and occasionally it’s about you or the relationship, especially if your relationship is boring or rocked with problems recently.
If it’s new behaviour, or increasingly blatant and disrespectful, then you might have a problem.
In such case, there will certainly be plenty of other signs that he’s unhappy in his relationship with you.
Why do men look at other women?
The male brain is wired very different compared to womens.
What we mean by different is that it’s physically, scientifically and measurably different.
Most if not all woman wish that their men can stop themselves from entering this trance.
But the truth is, they can’t.
Their visual brain circuits are always on the lookout for fertile mates.
Whether or not they intend to pursue (depending on the worth of their current relationship and how happy they are) … they have to check out the goods.
If men are happy in their relationships, chances are the women they were glancing are usually forgotten within seconds.
Men can’t help it!
You will come across countless articles which all come to the same conclusion.
Whether it’s explained by testosterone or evolutionary psychology, men are hard-wired to reflexively check out other women.
Smart women don’t react impulsively!
Your instinctive reactions will backfire on you.
It might be tempting to point out that her boobs are fake, her dress is from Pennys and her IQ is sure to be lower than your dog’s. Don’t!
Firstly he won’t care and secondly, it’s not the other woman’s fault.
Most importantly, it’ll make you look insecure and jealous.
You’ll lower your own self rather than her.
Turning on your guy in anger may also backfire.
There’s a good chance your man would shut down, either because you made him feel guilty, or because he just doesn’t see a problem.
You need to be smarter than that. The right place to start is by questioning your own response and looking into the reason for such reaction…..
How do you feel about it?
Before reacting to his you should explore your own feelings .
Some useful questions in trying to work out the first factor are:
- Have your friends noticed his behaviour?
- Is he clearly disrespectful; for example pushing you out of the way so he can see her better?
- Any unusual comments?
- An impersonal observation of her fashion style?
- Does he compare you unfavourably with her (out loud, not in your head), and speculate about her abilities in bed?
- Does he know your feelings on the subject? (Hint: He won’t unless you’ve told him).
So what to do about it?
All women have a built in radar system, you can use yours to do a quick check in order to make sure that it isn’t a symptom of bigger trouble.
Start by doing a mental check of your relationship.
Are there any other signs that he’s not happy?
Any issues in the bedroom?
Is it your problem?
It is if you are projecting your own insecurities onto innocent actions.
If this is more about your own fears and self-doubt, then picking a fight with him won’t resolve anything.
Instead, work on yourself.
Are you ashamed about how you look?
If you are then you can start by exploring why you feel that way, also take practical steps like reviewing your wardrobe.
If you happen to be the woman who hates drama then you will work with the nature rather then working against it, you might decide this is the best option when:
- His glances are relatively subtle
- You don’t feel threatened
- No disrespect is intended
- He loves you and acknowledges that
Accept the realities of human nature, and let it go!
In reality there is no such thing as ‘the most beautiful woman’ because beauty is in the eye of the beholder so younger, sexier and gorgeous woman are everywhere.
As a couple both of you should feel special and lucky to have one another just like he feels special and knows how lucky he is to have caught your eye.
Raising the issue…
If you’re not fully in control of yourself, don’t raise the issue there and then.
At a relaxed place and time, when you are not emotional, smile and ask: “
What was it about her that caught your eye?”
“I’ve noticed you sometimes staring at other chicks. What’s going on with that?”
It’s more than likely that he will pause and actually think about the topic, rather than denying or becoming defensive.
Explain how you feel by taking responsibility for your feelings such as:
“I feel old and unattractive when I see you staring at other women”,
avoid making such statements like “You make me feel ugly”.
This is one of those Mars/Venus subjects where he really will have a hard time understanding your point of view.
After all, most men think (by default) their woman has no reason to be concerned whatsoever, so stay calm, focused and be patient.
There isn’t a real right and wrong here.
Aim for an open discussion rather than an argument.
Unless you have a mountain of other evidence to back it up, believe him when he says it means nothing and he only wants you.
To be honest, it may not be reasonable and realistic to expect a man never to check out other women again, but you should expect to be heard, and treated with respect.
A word of advice
The best advice for women is “make peace with the male brain and let men be men”
There are plenty of good men out there.
Like single available women, men who are also single and available are searching for a partner who will love them and honour their needs.
When a man comes across a woman who demonstrates that she understands and respects him, he finds that woman completely irresistible!
Download our App to find your match on ello.ie today and start your own love story!